louis tomlinson: absolutely you should fight him. it’ll be great. you’ll win. motherfucker’ll shriek like a howler monkey and insult every member of your family in the process, but it’ll all be while hiding directly behind burlier, liam-ier people. if you can corner him, just grasp his arms against his body and start gently rocking him like a baby until he’s lulled. “what the fuck,” he’ll ask disgustedly, but his eyes are already drooping. “shh,” you tell him soothingly. “go to sleep, little baby.” he does. you win.
harry styles: you should fight him, because no one on god’s green earth is angling for a good old fashioned smackaround like this big-mouthed doe-eyed slack-jawed better-hair-than-you-having motherfucker, but you won’t. this is everything that’s wrong with the world. none of us who so desperately need to fight harry styles in the street can ever manage to do it, because of his like, fucking dimples or whatever. try not to make direct eye contact with him if you do end up giving it a shot, because that’s how he gets you, like some daymare st. laurent wearing gorgon.
niall horan: sure, go for it. you’ll lose, because his betoothpick-legged frame probably contains a secret maniacal frenzy just waiting to be loosed, but whatever, give it a shot. afterwards maybe try and fight a kitten and the sun too. see how that makes you feel, fucko. you make me sick.
liam payne: if you fight liam it has to be in a pre-arranged, regulated 12-round boxing ring with very strict rules and procedures and a referee interceding to make sure no one hits below the belt, not that liam ever would, and anyway, you’ll lose. no one feels good about it. you feel bad for losing and liam feels bad for winning and probably offers to drive you home afterward, which you begrudgingly accept, because your loss still smarts, and you both spend the drive in an uncomfortable silence. no one enjoys this fight. no winners.
zayn malik: anyone who would even theoretically consider inflicting damage upon his carved-from-marble face is committing thought crime. go directly to jail and stay there.
